The Daughter Left Behind...!!!

"Remembering you is easy, i do it everyday...
 Missing you is the heartache that never goes away!!!"

As a small child, i remember that when my dad used to come home from work, i would go running at him with my arms wide open to greet him and then he used to lift me up and hold me and give me one of his warm and gentle hugs and i would refuse to leave him until i had emptied his shirt pockets to see if there was something that would catch my interest, and then i would just rest my head on his shoulder,breathing in his scent.
No matter how tired he was, he always used to keep up with my antics.

I remember his loud and carefree laughs when i used to say something funny, and his eyes that sparkled with joy....that used to be my proud moment,thinking that i made my Papa smile."My pop thinks i am funny..." 
the sound of his laugh, still echos in my ears. My world revolved around him as a kid.
And then...
I grew old. i entered my teenage phase, and we started to drift apart. We stopped sharing the same bond like we used to. we talked less, laughed less, our distance started growing and soon this became a routine.....and then one day I lost him forever!

Dealing with a loss of a parent with whom you had a tough relationship comes with a feeling of guilt, blame and infinite regrets. whether you have had a stable or unstable bond, and it was not as good as you would have liked it to be, the pain is no less. At times i feel a sudden rush of sadness thinking that i wont be getting any time in this life to put things right.

I lost my father because of a heart attack. It came as a shock to the whole family as he wasn't sick or had any heart conditions. I was in denial phase for a very long time. Its been 8 months since his death, i feel i am still in denial because there's this little part of me which refuses to believe that he's gone forever.

These were the lines people kept telling me from the moment dad left us, "you cannot cry, you have to be strong for your Mom.."   And that's what i did. I did not cry because i thought it would make me look weak and i wanted to be strong for my family, specially for my mom. i bottled up everything inside me, i did not allow myself to vent it all out. i blocked every emotion that would try to take down my mask. I thought it will get easier with passing days, but little did i know! Although there were times where i didn't feel the numbness. I stopped thinking about his last moments, i thought i had passed the difficult phase. But it all came back like a storm flooding me with every emotion that i tried to toss. The pain and suffering seemed to be never ending and soon it started to feel impossible to hold myself together.
It will be 9 months this October and i am still grieving, most of the time i feel dark and sad, and that's OK...a huge part of your life is been taken away from you and you need time to process. I used to be hard on myself but now i have realized that healing takes time.

Often we take out parents for granted, thinking that they are going to be around us forever, but they may not be with us till the end, so be their support, laugh with them, give them your TIME. Its not difficult at all to please them, 'cuz living life with regrets is, and thinking about the things that you could have done and you didn't is much worse. So create memories...it will give you strength, comfort, it will help you wake up every morning thinking that your were there for them when they needed you.

Life goes on and things get back to normal. But it needs some time. 
till then, you have to wake up every morning, face your life and breathe...until you start living again!!!


-Mystic